YeKengalé

My grandparents raised 11 children of their own and instituted almost 75 years ago a sacred family Christmas dinner tradition that has continued unbroken since, and though the family has spread across three continents and spanned several nationalities, wherever we are, we will gather to some ‘Jerusalem’ for a family feast and renew our blood bond and remember our generational roots. In terms of support circles, there is no greater sanctuary than family, superseding all others including nation, religion or community. All the rest will fail if family fails, and the health of all others is ensured by its support of the family units that comprise them.

I totally understand the reasons religious communities and legislative confraternities are deeply invested in the defense of the family unit from destructive trends and in the nurturing and supporting of the sacred roles of partnership and parenting that enable its proper function. Someone said recently, and many would agree, that the most difficult task in life one will ever encounter is the raising of children, requiring as it does such a total investment of self, and with risks, uncertainties and vulnerabilities that can shred the toughest of souls.

It’s against this backdrop that we recently reflected with great gratitude and much humility the amazing heritage we have as a family and the tremendous legacy left by the venerated founder-couple of my grandparents. All eleven children, most of whom are exceedingly accomplished individuals, having risen to the top of their chosen fields and having made sterling contributions to society, represent a remarkable feat of parenthood, given the circumstances of poverty, economic hardship, racism, classism and other social malignancies that certainly challenged to the core the dreams and aspirations of this young couple with big dreams. But that in itself is not most noteworthy. It’s the fact that every single one of the eleven emulated their parents in exceptional child rearing, and all my cousins agree, the thing we all have in common is the gift of unconditional parental support and how absolutely essential that has been in providing quality of life and ever increasing horizons to our gifts and life potentials.

One of the peculiarities of the grandparent / grandchild relationship I have come to understand and experience is that at a certain stage, this bond transcends the parent / child connections that spawned it. So when my grandmother and I became friends and confidantes, we talked as equals about her children/my parents, aunt and uncles who we both viewed not as strangers, but certainly as strange. We in a sense spoke as co-parents would. Someone explained this strange feature to me by explaining that grandparents are on their way back to the creator, and grandchildren have recently arrived from the creator and so share a common perspective. It is the middle generation caught up with the exigencies of life that is most likely to have become tainted with the world and in need of support, even if such support is silent and patient prayer.

Why I was particularly thankful for this period of my socialization was that prior to that, I believed my parents, aunts and uncles were next to perfect. I had absolutely no idea of the messiness and even scandalous circumstances each had navigated, and often made it through a hair’s breadth from total shipwreck or disaster.

It contributed enormously to my perspective and my patience the discovery that my adult icons were far from being the angels I once imagined, (especially since, now as an adult, I have come to fully recognize what I could not before – that I too am as far from angelhood as any) because love covers a multitude of sins, and believe me, that’s what all that family love did for me – it covered me from the foibles and foul ups, not just of my parent’s generation, but even my venerated grandparents and their parents too, all who were and still remain sacred in my memory.

Family is the field in which we learn both to strive for perfection as well as acknowledge imperfection. Neither ever defines us, but simply orients us in our journey and motivates us to continue … no matter what.

Sexual impropriety, abuse, hypocrisy, unfaithfulness, deceit, treachery, vileness and violence of every stripe certainly have the potential to scar, maim, defile, and defeat us, whether as individuals or the relationships we forge in life which should be for our support. Family, no matter how deep the devotion, will not keep these out, though it may for a time shield us somewhat. It can however heal and help us out and sometimes help us in these situations. Such is the merit of unconditional love.

While I admire the religious zeal to protect family life, what fundamentalism forgets and legalism can never remedy is that the definition of human life is ‘messy’. Prevention is impossible. Name the vice, you will find it wherever humans are, including amongst those venerated humans we celebrate in our religious, national and family heritage, those canonized in scripture, sanctified by tradition, legendized by culture, or celebrated in the more narrow circles of family and friendship.

Many are shocked and dismayed by the revelations being made public in the TD Jakes scandal. (And some might not be privy to the not yet widely publicized, more convincing testimony pointing to the probability that this is beyond baseless allegation.)

The mockers and the sanctimonious brandish their knives and scalpels for a feast. The easily moved and gullible cover their mouths and their hearts lose their rhythm. Whatever the truth, I am no stranger to human depravity or hypocrisy. I know both intimately. My thoughts and prayers at this time are for TD’s family, his blood and church family, and wider still, the faith community he serves – all christians who have identified with whatever parts of his message were of benefit.

As controversial a thing theologically it might seem to say, it has deep roots in wisdom traditions contemporary with and anterior to the book of Job ( the most ancient of biblical books, predating the Genesis story and the Satanology thus derived): Not even our devils do we get to throw away (abandon). In the family of God and men, we must learn yes to confront, but also to continue. That is the mandate of unconditional love. And that my friend, is the quintessential family value.